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 Words from a "Success Survivor" I finally had the courage to move out of my abusive relationship in October of 2006 (a year I will probably never forget). It took me 2 years to realize I was in an abusive relationship, though because I always considered abuse to be just physical. Because he did not hit me, I didn't think I was being abused. Someone gave me a pamphlet on the signs of an abusive relationship, and when I circled 80% of the items on the list, I knew I had to get out before I was able to circle 100% of them. This pamphlet is found here: www.safepassagedv.org/PCwheel.htmlOur relationship began with some warning signs, but he always convinced me it was just out of love. We got engaged right away, I got pregnant 3 months after we met, and married 4 months later. I realize now that this was all part of his plan. During the time before we married, he sold most of my possessions (movies, CD's, etc...) for his painkiller addiction, and he cheated on me a week before our wedding day. I was going to leave him when he cheated on me, but he took my keys so I couldn't leave the house and told me that if I left him he would "disappear and never pay me a dime in child support." In hindsight, that would have been perfect, but at 4 months pregnant, I was afraid of being alone and he knew that. So, after I married him, it just got worse. He took complete control of the finances, not allowing me to touch the money. He took credit cards out in my name, and he ran up to their limits . He over drafted my bank accounts. He systematically destroyed my credit beyond repair. He also told me it was in our best interest for me to just work part time, which kept me completely financially dependent on him. Over time the abuse spread from just economic abuse, to isolating me from my friends and family. He slowly started telling me that I couldn't talk to certain people. First, it was my male friends, and his reason behind it was that it wasn't "the Christian thing to do." Other Christian wives don't have male friends. Then he didn't want me to talk to some of my girl friends, because they weren't Christian. He always had excuses that could have been believable. By the time I left him, I only had 3 friends left, when I started with about 20-30. He also had convinced me that my family and his didn't appreciate anything I had to say. He had me in tears after every family gathering, because he spent the entire drive home telling me "that I talked to much" and that "they didn't care what I had to say about 'that'." He ridiculed everything I did, but then would apologize. About a year and a half into the relationship he began punching holes in walls, throwing things at me, and opening doors into my face whenever we were arguing. He would then convince me that if I "hadn't brought that up, he wouldn't have gotten upset." It was like walking on egg shells. Shortly after that began, so did the sexual abuse. He raped me several times, always at about 3 or 4 in the morning. My counselor later explained to me that this was abusive in many ways, because it was meant to disrupt my sleep as well. He also began accusing me of having an affair (which by this point he had had many). He would force me to "recount my affair" with him during sex, and then afterwards he would tell me that I knew too many details for it not to be true. Even though he told me exactly what he wanted me to say. After a while I even began to doubt my faithfulness to him. For the longest time I stayed because I didn't want my son to grow up without his father, but after realizing how abusive he was, I knew I didn't want my son to turn into him. I want my son to respect his future wife. So, I decided I was going to leave, so I gave my two weeks notice in at my job, and began asking for support from my mother. I had a bag packed with a change of clothes for myself and my son, food, and some cash. I also opened up a bank account in just my name. My husband began getting suspicious of something, and he figured out my plan before I left. That night was very scary, because he took my keys away from me and refused to let me take our son with me. So, I told him I had to go to work, so he let me leave. When I was there I called my mother and the police. They escorted me to the house, and I grabbed my son and a few things and left. I went to the women's shelter in my area for 6 weeks, so he couldn't find me. I knew I wasn't strong enough to talk to him, because he may convince me to get back together with him. And he tried for several months to get me back, so I had to be strong. I kept replaying all the terrible things he had done, and that kept me away. My story here is an abridged version of the abuse I underwent, but I hope it will give inspiration to someone else who is in a similar situation. It is so important to stress to women that abuse does come in many forms, and it is not always easy to see because they introduce it slowly enough that you don't even notice that it is happening. Be Strong, and know we all deserve to be happy! ____________________________________________________________________________________________
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